YOU GUYS

MINT TEA IS THE BEST THING EVER. HOLY CRAP, HOW COME NONE OF YOU TOLD ME?!?

I’ve been Starbucks-free for over a month now. RIP Starbucks. I’m sorry if my radical departure triggers any massive layoffs within your corporate infrastructure but frankly if it does then that’s just poor fiscal planning on your part so shame on you for trying to guilt trip me otherwise. You’re like the bad boyfriend who beats you and then says, sorry baby I wouldn’t hit you if you didn’t make me so mad. Here’s a 6.00 coffee lets go have sex and I’ll let you give me a blow job.

(Seriously. I’m not sure why you even read this blog. Half the time it doesn’t even make sense.)
(Also: Sorry Mom.)
(Another funny fact: in the next few days, someone is going to Google Starbucks and blow jobs and land here. Poor bastards)
(I’m still sorry Mom)

ANYWAY.

In the wake of our breakup I’ve been looking to find something that fills the 1100 calorie gap. The obvious choice was water. It fit the main two criteria of my one-person focus group: FREE and NOT LOADED WITH ENOUGH CALORIES TO FELL AN ELEPAHNT.

So far I’ve been drinking a lot of water which is fine but somewhat less refined when you’re schlepping an 18 gallon jug of it from meeting to meeting. I know, I know. Carrying a coffee doesn’t make you a professional…but it makes you FEEL like one. Confession: the only thing missing from my corporate fantasy (that I can post here without getting weird looks and/or fired) is a cap to fling into the air Mary Tyler Moore style. But I digress.

In a fit of Missing Tiffany desperation (hi Tiffany, I miss you) I left my desk in search of something to sip on while freezing my ass off under the air vent above my desk. That’s when I stumbled upon the miracle of miracles.

MINT MEDLEY TEA.

It’s a brilliant blend of spearmint and peppermint and frankly? It’s divine, Jesus even said so. Well. I don’t know for a FACT that he said so, but if he had some over dinner, I’m sure he would have.