Too Cool For School

Dear Ben,

This morning after you were done brushing your teeth and I was still having my daily fight with my hair, you turned to me and said, “Hey mommy. Watch this.” Then you pushed your index finger against the outer corner of your eyes and pulled them upwards and out. “Chinese, Japanese, dirty knees….”

When you were finished you looked at me with a big grin. I didn’t grin back and your expression faltered. “Yeah, that’s not cool, dude.”

You stared at me and then I sat down on the toilet lid and pulled you into the v of my knees so we were face to face. “You’re not in trouble, but do you know why that’s not cool? Why that’s not actually funny?”

You shook your head.

“It’s racist. Racist is when we make fun of other people just because of who they are. Do you remember how when Obama was elected president you talked about it at school? Do you remembering learning that it was an important day because not very long ago white people were really mean to black people just because they were black?” You nodded. “Right. Well this isn’t any different. I know you think it’s just a rhyme that sounds funny when you say the words really fast, but what you’re really doing is making fun of people because their eyes are shaped differently. That’s not cool, or funny, is it? It’s just mean.”

After that you looked like you were going to cry.

“No, don’t do that. Don’t cry. I told you, you’re not in trouble. I’m not mad at you. You didn’t know what it meant when you said it, but now you do. And now I expect you not to do it anymore. You need to remember that it’s mean, not funny. Deal?”

“Deal.”

After that you finished getting ready for school, and I finished tearing around, scooping up all the things I should have packed the night before. But I thought about our conversation a lot on my way to work. I thought about how much of parenting is actually un-teaching; deprogramming and rebooting how you think about things after you’ve picked up garbage while you’re out there on your own. I thought about how part of my job is to get you to think critically on your own.

The problem is I’m not always sure how to do that.

On a much broader scope, I’m not always sure how much information is too much. There are so many civil rights issues around the world that it’s hard to know where to start. I’d like to raise you to be the kind of person who will give voice to any injustice; regardless of whether or not it directly impacts you. Blood diamonds are not okay. Child labour is not okay. War crimes are not okay. Human trafficking is not okay. Poverty is not okay. Rigged elections in Iran are not okay. Denying people the right to marry is not okay.

The sad thing is that I don’t have answers for you. I don’t know how to fix things that are miles away from our back door, but I do know it means telling you that a seemingly harmless rhyme is not cool.

Love,
Mommy